Alternative to “How Are You?”

Recently, I took a long drive with a family member who is facing something no one should have to face.   Her son died by suicide four months ago. It has been the hardest event of her life. Her grief is all consuming. Her guilt eats at her daily. Though she is surrounded by people who want to help her, in general people do not know how to handle the grief of another person. More often than not, those in her loving support network do not ask the questions she needs them to ask. We created this list together to help you know what to ask when a friend or family member is grieving.

*First, a note on grief.   Grief is not a feeling that is reserved only for death. We can grieve the end of a marriage, the loss of employment, the decisions of an adult child, moving away from a house and many other life events. These questions can be tailored to apply to many different types of loss.

Instead of “how are you?” try:

How is today?

You have been on my mind, what’s been on yours?

Is there anything you want to talk about?

What memories have you had of _________ (what the loss was) recently?

What do you miss most about ____________ (the loss)?

What is helping you most right now?

What do you need more of?

How is your family handling ___________ (the loss)?

What was the ____________ (a detail about the loss- for example- funeral, job, hospital visit, court hearing, etc) like?

When you ask it differently, you will likely get a significant response from the griever, but then what? Most of us do the “pause.”   You know what I mean:

Me: How is today?

Griever: Today is really hard. All I can think about is how I failed my own child. What kind of mother doesn’t understand her son is suffering?

Me: (pause) um….. (what do I say to that??)….. yeah, I’m sure you will have bad days but there will be good days too….. (what else do I say??)?

Instead of the pause, try:

Ask a clarifying question. “Is that how others who have lost people to suicide feel?” or “how was he suffering?” In general, to avoid the pause and stay connected with the griever, we should ask a related question to what they just told us.

Validating their feelings.   “It makes sense you feel terrible about that” or “I’m sure some days, that guilt just completely takes over” or “I can’t imagine how incredibly sad you are.” In general, you do not need to correct them or change their emotions, just acknowledge their feelings.

Give them reminders.   “Please remember that you are such an amazing mother” or “I hope during these hard days, you will remember how many times you did save him” or “you love with all of your heart, you did not fail loving him.”

Using verbal and nonverbal cues that give the griever permission to keep talking. Nonverbal cues—maintaining eye contact, caring touch, nodding your head, etc. Verbal cues—“hmmm”, “nooo” (softly), “uh huh”, etc.

Grief is a long process.   Repeatedly I have heard my clients say again and again “I just need someone to listen.” Most of us are willing to listen but do not send the right message that we want to listen. Trying these different questions and statements will help send the message “I’m here, I do want to hear what you have to say, try me.”

Now, go listen.