Is any topic more discussed in the psychology world than parenting?
Is there any other area of life in which people give out more advice than in parenting? Is there anything we are LESS prepared for than becoming parents?
Is there anything that makes us feel more guilty?
No. I’m pretty certain Parenting takes the cake in each of these areas.
First, the truth. Parenting is only hard if you have a child who is independent, stubborn, aggressive, misunderstood, impulsive, distracted or difficult. In other words… Parenting any child can be hard!
But this is what disturbs me!
As I have researched and read… and experimented with… and researched and read… and experimented with, I am superbly disappointed in the information out there for parents. I have some parenting challenges with my own children. As I’ve searched for personal help in raising these kiddos, these are the first titles and topics that come up (italics added for emphasis):
- How to tame the disorganized child
- The breakthrough program that gets your kids to behave
- Transforming the difficult child
- Managing difficult children
What the what?! Why is parenting advice geared towards you changing your child and NOT towards you changing you???
Here’s a newsflash: your reactions to your “difficult” or “misunderstood” or “stubborn” child are about you! Do you want to see some success with “managing” or “transforming” or “taming” your child?
Then change yourself.
Here is an example: In the middle of a church program my son jumps up and starts loudly stacking chairs. I ask him to sit down. He ignores me and starts to bang on said stack of chairs with his hands as if they were drums. Guess who becomes super uncomfortable super fast? Him? Nope. Me!
Everything in me wants to quiet him, calm him, make him sit down appropriately and otherwise control him. I mean, people are watching, come on child!!
I have several options…
I could take him out of the room. I could hold him down. I could threaten him. I could give him “the stare” (all you parents know what that means). I could ignore him. I could pass him off to his dad. What would you do?
I have learned, for me personally, with many of these options I am sending subtle messages of rejection to him. Is that my intention? Of course not. But that is what happens.
That hurts. It hurts me to know that I’ve done that. And it hurts him.
Let’s say, instead of any of those reactions, I turn inward and say “Kristel, you are really feeling uncomfortable and anxious about controlling your son. You are making this about your need to control him instead of about him. How do you calm yourself down so you can address what is most important?”
Let’s just say I have this conversation with myself and I am able to calm my own reaction. That allows me to look at this from a different perspective. I then can look at him and think “he’s stacking chairs, he likely is having an energy burst that he is not sure what to do with” or “has something made him uncomfortable and he is trying to discharge that discomfort?” or “his mind is racing with ideas and it’s difficult for him to sit quietly.” Any of these will lead you to think differently about the situation.
Maybe it’s an energy burst. What can I do?
I can give him a stretchy toy
Maybe he’s feeling uncomfortable. What can I do?
I can ask him if he is okay. I can give him our secret hand signal which lets him know I have noticed him and am available to talk about what is on his mind. I can take him out to the hall and give him a hug, while encouraging him to discuss his discomfort.
Maybe his mind is racing and he just can’t sit still. What can I do?
Again, I could give him markers and paper, asking him to write down his thoughts. I can give him a secret word and every time he hears the speaker say it, he makes a tally mark on paper. I can give him a water bottle to drink and suggest he take some deep breaths.
The point is, we have so many more options when we can control our own parenting knee jerk reaction. I fully realize this is not the most practical, time effective thing to do in the moment that it’s happening…
…but the irony is, as you change your perspective ➙ you change your approach ➙ you send your child messages of acceptance ➙ he/she is actually able to become more in control of his/her behavior as you learn together what works ➙ you are happy.
My goal is not to be a perfect parent. My goal is not to stop all emotional reactions in 3 seconds or less! My goal is to be consistent 70% of the time. That’s my goal for most things. One of these days I will write a post to explain why but for now… happy parenting!
If you liked this post and found it valuable, please leave a comment below and share it with your friends.
Take Care,
Kristel Scoresby
P.S. By the way, out of all the books and articles I have read, I do happen to have two really great recommendations for you! I most often recommend these books:
- Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool
- Superparenting for ADD: An Innovative Approach to Raising Your Distracted Child
Be sure to share this post on “The Misunderstood Child” with your friends.
Great article and we’ll written. Thanks for the tips!
Whoops I meant well not we’ll.