Have you ever experienced the elephant in the room? Do you find yourself avoiding topics that are emotionally charged? Would you rather walk away then face a difficult conversation?
An Example of The Elephant in the Room
“I have cancer.”
These are the words I heard from a dear friend when we met up to visit this week. My mouth flew open and tears sprung to my eyes. I instantly felt devastated. To wrap my head around it, I wanted to know everything.
What kind? How was it diagnosed? How is she feeling? How is it being treated? What kind of support is helpful and what is not?
I did not want to overwhelm her with my questions but I wanted to be very in the moment with her. After answering each one of my questions, she said “but it’s fine.” After the 5th “but it’s fine” response I had enough of her invalidating herself. “It is NOT fine!” She then explained what happened in her family when she told them…
Her father went silent. It’s been two months and he has not said a word about it. Her mother refused to believe her. One brother laughed it off. Another brother moved on to another topic.
Now I understood the “it’s fine” comment. Her entire cancer experience is being invalidated, ignored and avoided. In other words, there is an elephant in the room and no one is acknowledging it.
At first glance, it appears her family is unloving or selfish or inconsiderate. The truth, though, is just the opposite. They love her so much that they are terrified. Maybe if they ignore it, it will go away and their daughter/sister will not be in danger anymore. Their reactions hurt her but they are not trying to hurt her. They just do not know how to have hard conversations when deeply personal feelings are on the line.
How to Discuss the Elephant in the Room
When there’s an elephant in the room it’s difficult not to notice. It needs to be discussed. The book, Crucial Conversations
- “When it matters the most, we do the worst.” Our emotions are incredibly powerful. They cause a physical reaction in us that prevents our brain from functioning with coherent thought. Our brain goes into “protect” mode- fight, flight or freeze.
- “Re-engage your brain.” Think about how you are thinking. Identify what you are feeling.
- “Avoid the Sucker’s Choice.” Change your thoughts (yes, you do have the power to do this). It does not have to be “either/or.”
Go from…
- Either I ignore that my daughter has cancer or I have to face that she might die.
- Either I immediately distract myself and talk about something else or I will fall apart.
- Either I dismiss it as a lie or I will never be able to look her in the face again.
To…
- I love you so much that I am afraid to discuss how sick you are.
- I want to keep updated on your progress and though it’s hard for me to think about want you to know I support you.
- I may come across as ignoring you, but really what I am doing is trying to process this very sad news.
These examples do not fix the issue. Rather, they re-engage the brain so that you can figure out how to handle your emotions AND support your loved ones. As in with all things, it takes practice to discuss the elephant in the room. But that’s the good thing about life, it will give you lots of opportunities to deal with hard things!
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Take Care,
Kristel Scoresby
P.S. Be sure to pick up your copy of Crucial Conversations
What are your thought on the Elephant in the Room? Share in the comments below…